The United Reformed Church
in Chelmsford

Church Humour

A collection of items taken from our church newsletters

Brotherly Love
A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year olds. After Explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy father and thy Mother, she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Immediately one little boy (the oldest of the family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

If your problem is long standing, try kneeling.

The topic for our sermon next week will be "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Adam blamed Eve
Eve blamed the snake
But the snake hadn't
a leg to stand on!

A few Christian One-liners
  • The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
    1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts'.
  • The will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to be anonymous.
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
  • People are funny: they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.
  • Quit moaning about your church, if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Jones:  "I don't think the new minister is up to the old one".
Brown:  "Neither do I.  He takes twenty minutes to put me to sleep and the old one used to do it in ten!"

A boy was watching his father, a minister, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked
"Why, God tells me",
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

The Minister was very depressed when he arrived back home from the doctor.
"What's the matter dear? asked his wife.
"Well" said the minister, "the doctor told me that I've got to take these pills for the rest of my life".
"That's not so bad, is it?" said his wife cheerfully.
"It is", replied the minister, "He's only given me seven pills"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the chance for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, "let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait".
Quick as a wink, Kevin turned to his younger brother and said "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


A Sunday School Teacher began her lesson with the question, "Boys and Girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air.  "He is an artist", said a little boy.
"Really!  How do we know?" the teacher asked.
"You know! Our Father who does art in Heaven...!" he replied.
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Young George was most interested.  "My dad looked back once", he said, "while he was driving, and he turned into a lamp-post!"
Eve and Leaves
Adam bit the apple and feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore and an oak!


The four stages of life.
(1) you believe in Santa Claus.
(2) you do not believe in Santa Claus.
(3) you are Santa Claus.
(4) you look like Santa Claus.
Testament to Innocence.
Children at a primary school were asked questions about the bible, these were their answers:
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Why do people keep running over a bit of debris on the carpet a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then bend down and pick it up, then put it down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?


42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have.
Seen in a cemetery "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves".
Don't let worry kill you off — let the church help.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
Why does someone believe you when you tell them there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A teacher at an infants school was observing her class of youngsters as they were drawing, pausing to look at each child's work as she walked around. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Page updated on Saturday 11th April 2020